By Renee’ Vallejo
I’m constantly thinking about what the working definition of home is to me. It isn’t just a place, but a feeling that only I know for myself. Home is not without love, as love is not without home. Home is where it all becomes one.
What will follow may just be a poetic coffee break for some, but for others I hope it will be relatable in any interpretation. After all, we humans spend more than half our lives in search of others, or things we can relate to. I dedicate this to the many homes I have had, but mostly to the home I have now.
Home is not fearing love so that I can experience the best part of living on earth, coexisting. I am spiritual and rely on my ancestors for their guidance. When I stay open to reading auras, I can see the colors they paint and it heightens the experience of my world; that of home and love. It is the most exhilarating feeling when home walks into my life in the form of love, walks into my openness and I can feel the presence of an aura like my own. In a world of many auras, there is a family of hues and tones that home and love are painted into. Relevance? Well, that’s the way my current home entered my life, the way we found one another. We find ourselves doubting the other because it took so long for one of us to make the approach, but we understand because we could always read the others’ unavailability. The distance between the two of us dancing for the first time, cautious and curious, allowing time for the mystery of what seems perfect linger for as long as it can.
Home, you are the chilly warmth before rain, right before all the colors in our worlds mix together like an overlapped, soggy mess. I have loved that dance, but this part is better. I fall into you like you have always been there because it works. I do enjoy every little bit of you, sitting in my presence and learning me. Learning you is all the ridges and softness and firm safety of your body. I learned you well because you let me. From my hands running over the texture of your head to those cold, icy ears, I will never forget how you feel on a ten-degree night and how your lips pout when you do not hear what you like (a challenge you could see from the beginning but still get a laugh out of). Your animated face and those teasing eyes made me want you all to myself and all at once and all the time. I am one that knows the feeling of loving without anyone to love all too well. It is a tiring and isolating one. So getting hooked was like shit, I forgot myself; wrapped up in the thought of how good you feel, how so unlike all my previous homes you are, eventually how good every touch feels and every kiss. When I remember myself, I need to know that this is not going to run away from me, so I run first before returning ashamed because deep down I know you are me as I am you.
I get scared because I want you to see something in me that is like what I see in you. A Clean Canvas. One to paint our hues. I can see how it would feel now, for you, like that music that was the tune to our dance just stopped. I like that you take me home, love. I like that your feelings sour you, but my colors calm you. And that’s how we move forward: with home and love as one. The feeling of auras crashing and intertwining is so good and sounds so much better. I am your instant love. Your forever-home. Your laughter is the softest to my ears. I love how you make me fearless. I fear how I love it. I could fall into you so easily, but I want time. I want time forever because I know how fast time passes and how firsts come and go and that before you’ve even realized it, you’re staring in the eyes of someone who has become a part of you. I want you as you, you as us and you as me in that order. I am not afraid of you. I think I can handle your storms and the weakness and strength and sweet blankness that shivers every time I take my paint brush to it.
You’re wondering what I’m trying to create and what my vision of you is. It’s straightforward. I take you as you are and it does not scare me. Do not be afraid or you won’t be able to feel me tickling you with my love. Let me be playful and caring and hot and cold because before you know it I will make you mine from the deepest part of my soul. Close your eyes, trust yourself to trust me and we will be flooded with the brightness of our aural eclipse. Home met you and you met home.
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Image by Renee’ Vallejo